To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’