5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.