Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
<—- homeless romantic
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now