Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
You Might Also Like
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.