YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best