Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.