She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Cheers Twitter.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.