just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes