Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.