“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.