I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Not all heroes wear capes.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober