6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Oops
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Guy who likes music
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close