[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.