“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Guilty! 🤪
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.