“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My boss called in sick of me
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.