Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.