Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke