This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
iPhone X
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Probably my best painting.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
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