Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.