If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*