I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.