Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Wake me when AI does housework
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Netflix and awkward silence?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.