The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Ugh but profoundly
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate