I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
What even happened today?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer