But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow