My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.