Real House Wines.
You Might Also Like
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.