Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Thinking about Jeff
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment