To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You’ll be OK
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month