My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Not today
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.