one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers