Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
live long and prosper!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.