ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The Onion called it…again.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Mornin