I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
You Might Also Like
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”