A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.