My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.