“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Thursday
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.