Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
much to think about
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
yeah 😭
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?