When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
#MeanwhileinCanada
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.