“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I can fix him.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?