Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Just as the prophecy foretold
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.