It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me trying to walk in a dream
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf