If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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#titanic
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
#gardening
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Bill is short for Billiam
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal