“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
You Might Also Like
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Put this video in the Louvre
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.