NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*ernest hemingway voice*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball