[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
<- sleeps well with others
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Safety first
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK