Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*