Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”