Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.