this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Venn
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
need him
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March